I haven't blogged in a long time. I'm not even entirely sure what possessed me to start one today. I just felt attracted to the idea. This is the new age of "venting" after all. But what have I to vent? A lot I suppose.
I'm a twenty two year old college senior. To many in the community, that seems rather young. However, I'm always questioning whether or not there is a such thing as "young" or "old." By physical depiction, yes they are different...by maturity...yes they are different. But by plain ol' basic association...I feel old myself. I think being old is determined by a person's state of being. How far they've come in their lives and where they're looking to go. Throughout my twenty two years I've been through a lot; shaky childhood, crazy teen years, and rocky adult life. What is there for me after graduation? Where and when will I experience the permancy of reality? Reality itself seems so out of touch. I am unsure. But on top of being unsure...I am strong.
Being someone who goes through a lot in their life, one must be prepared for the future with the same hold on to life. Change is inevitable. No one can escape it. Change is woven into the very fabric of life. We can try to run, but in the end, change will catch up. Since it's a part of life process, why is it so hard to grasp sometimes? Fear in change is fear in life and a lot of people I know have this type of belief. In my time spent on this earth, I've embraced change for the better, but now that I have been faced with major change again...I'm struggling.
It has always been said that getting rid of what brings us down makes us stronger. Stronger how? What usually brings us down are things we cannot seem to let go of. Boyfriends, death, etc. That's my issue: boyfriend. Long distance boyfriend at that. I guess the real issue here is that I put too much faith into people sometimes. I try to put a strong front on and pretend nothing really gets under my skin. But I suppose it's only human to have faults. If flaws are only human, then what's the problem with keeping what brings us down? The argument is that getting ahead and focusing on your own future is the way to lead life. I suppose that's got a stitch of truth to it. Many people function professionally decent and have issues outside of work. That's nothing new at all. I can say this: when something seems to be diseasing the good, that's when it needs to be rid of. Change is good in moderation. Like, changing a job or a group of friends. Changing who a person is, isn't always for the better. It's good to have expectations, but in the long run...staying true who we are should matter. Yet I feel it doesn't matter sometimes. No matter how hard effort is put forth...it's just never good enough. I have been diseased by him. He has made my mind vulnerable into thinking I need him. Yet, I know he is no good for me. So why can't I let go?
He is a failure. I am a success. He is an alcoholic. I have grown to dislike alcohol. He is anti-social. I'm love by a lot of people. He has dwindled down to nothing. I have bloomed forward into the future. Those are all reasons why I should let him go. Yet my heart cries out no. I am stuck in a void I cannot rid. I need a break. I need a solution. I need a heart transplant. I wish to just not care anymore. I never want to care again.
dont let fear prevent you from doing something that will be the best thing for *you*, just because you know it will be hard and you might hurt someone else.
ReplyDeleteseek happiness thru the inevitable changes.
that's the lesson i learned, anyway, from a difficult decision i made years ago.
good luck.